Is there anything sorrier than Calvinists trying to be "hip"?

The New York Times profile of Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill church in Seattle, has been making the rounds.  I had never heard of him before, but was naturally intrigued to learn more about an evangelical who has become known as "the cussing pastor."  This sounded promising, but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  It turns out that, if anything, Driscoll's theology is even worse than Jerry Falwell's.  Just when you thought predestination was dead, it rears again its ugly head, to wit:

...you are...but a depraved worm whose hard work and good deeds will get you nowhere, because God marked you for heaven or condemned you to hell before the beginning of time...

More of this scintillating "good news" on the flip...

This is not just predestination, keep in mind, but double predestination.  Not only are the so-called "elect" chosen for heaven before all creation, but God went out of his way to create other human beings just for the sheer joy of consigning them to everlasting hellfire. 

Calvinism is a grim and dreary philosophy.  Today's version is so cramped up that even the dour John Calvin might not recognize it.  (It is not clear that John Calvin ever taught "limited atonement," i.e. the idea that Jesus died only for the sins of the "elect.")  In any case, when he got his hands on political power, Calvin instituted nothing less than theocratic fascism in 16th century Geneva, Switzerland.  From Calvin and Geneva:

Attendance at sermons was compulsory. In addition, one had to arrive on time, remain, and pay attention. In 1547, a man who left during the sermon and made too much noise about it was imprisoned. From 1545, there were domiciliary visits, which were put on a regular semiannual basis in 1550. The homes of the citizens were visited in order to ascertain the state of the family's morals. A great many spies were maintained, to report on matters of conduct and behavior. Dramatic performances were suppressed, except for plays given by schoolboys. Sexual immorality was frequently practiced and frequently chastised. One of the offenses considered particularly serious was criticism of the ministers and especially Calvin.

Driscoll, it appear, picks and chooses which part of Calvinism to uphold.  He doesn't get worked up about alcohol, smoking, cursing, or violent movies, but seems to have jumped into Calvinist authoritarianism with both feet.  

Mars Hill is not 16th-century Geneva, but Driscoll has little patience for dissent. In 2007, two elders protested a plan to reorganize the church that, according to critics, consolidated power in the hands of Driscoll and his closest aides. Driscoll told the congregation that he asked advice on how to handle stubborn subordinates from a “mixed martial artist and Ultimate Fighter, good guy” who attends Mars Hill. “His answer was brilliant,” Driscoll reported. “He said, ‘I break their nose.’ ” When one of the renegade elders refused to repent, the church leadership ordered members to shun him. One member complained on an online message board and instantly found his membership privileges suspended. “They are sinning through questioning,” Driscoll preached. John Calvin couldn’t have said it better himself.

Sad as that may be, it's not even the worst part.  Driscoll believes that Jesus was a "manly man," which he trumpets as if this were a new thought.  (Anyone who has read American Jesus, by Steven Portero--which Driscoll obviously hasn't--knows that the "manly man Jesus" was a creation of turn-of-the-century evangelist Billy Sunday.  You surely didn't think it came from the Bible, did you?)

Driscoll sprinkles his speech and writings with comments like these:  Mainline churches are “singing prom songs to a Jesus who is presented as a wuss who took a beating and spent a lot of time putting product in his long hair.”  Mainline protestantism is about “a Richard Simmons, hippie, queer Christ,” a “neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy of pop culture that . . . would never talk about sin or send anyone to hell.” 

He disdains churches where the "lead pastor is some sissy boy who wears cardigan sweaters."  He calls fellow evangelical, Brian McClaren, a "homo-evangelical."  Or consider this testosterone-jazzed rant:

Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.

These fulminations about limp-wristedness and fairies, coupled with the exaltation of his own toughness, brings to mind William Shakespeare who said, "Methinks thou dost protest too much."  Relax, Mark.  As our new president would say, "You're manly enough."  For right now, though, I'm putting you in the mental category I reserve for someone who spends $30K to buy a big jacked up pick-up, and I want to say, "They have a pill for that now!"

Regarding gender roles, Driscoll is a "complementarian," which is a big word that means "women: know your place."  "Women will be saved by going back to the role that God has chosen for them," he has said, as well as arguing that feminism leads to homosexuality:

First, there are varying degrees of “Christian” feminism and the more hardened variety is the battering ram on the church door that opens the way for homosexuality. What I mean is this: if we deny the Biblical tenets that we were made equal but distinct as male and female, with differing God-intended roles in the church and home, then homosexuality is the logical conclusion.

Driscoll is young--only 38--and became a pastor after having some kind of "montanist"-type vision.  ("Montanists" were second century enthusiasts who believed that the Spirit was giving them direct messages from God.  This would place the dream you had last night on the same level of authority as Paul's Letter to the Romans.)  God told him to become a pastor, so he did.  Only after becoming a pastor did he decide he needed to get some education, which he did through some kind of correspondence course with a baptist seminary in Portland.

Seattle is famously known as the most "unchurched" city in the United States.  The familiarity with real theology is apparently so low there that it looks like all you have to do is spout some cuss words and sport a tatoo and--voila!--you're another Thomas Acquinas.

 

 

Comments

[lillianjane]

John, Seattle Weekly profiled this tool and his congregation some years ago. I believe he was the one who blamed Ted Haggard's straying on his wife's weight gain. Right now they are all home-schooling, of course, but they are planning for the day when there are enough of them (they breed fast, at his direction) to take over the school board. Give me the conservative looking church with the liberal outlook any day.

[Rachel Hallowell]

I read that article in NYT and it freaked me out. Pretty much gave me that same response as you: whoa. We have pills for that now, dude.

I don't even know what to think, though! It's so astonishing to me. I don't know much about the current religious landscape in the US, but that's just wayyy over the top to me. And frightening.

[XYZ]

Someone asked me today whether there was Church of Calvin..such as Wesley's Methodist or Luther's
I had to say "No" and here are my thoughts on why:
1)The fact that Only God knows who is saved ..No one knows who is "elected" or "saved" except God. If anyone wants to know who is "elect" that person must find God and ask Him.
2) Fact #1 brings a person face to face with a living God..who may or may not be the "god" the person imagines God to be.
3) There are two types of people who are usually not Calvinists..One type is the one who says "God is ...list of adjectives..I don't believe in God." The other one states, "God is ..list of adjectives, I believe in God."
As a Calvinist..God is to be known, loved, served, not as I imagine Him to be, but as He has revealed Himself in the Holy Scripture and through the Holy Spirit. God is not created in the imagined image of man..by man.
I think Mr. Driscoll is taking exception to the cartoon or comic Book "list of adjectives" either verbal or visual being presented as the vision of Christ and God.
Calvin talks about a living God and time eternal..That is singularly enchanting..And Calvin addresses a personal relationship with that God which is not a structural methodology that translates easily into a "denomination."